Breaking the Silence Around Grief, Death Anxiety and Loss

Grief counselling offers a safe, supportive space to explore the feelings that come with loss, including sadness, fear, anger and uncertainty. It can also help when you're struggling with anxiety about death, your own mortality or the possibility of losing someone you love. You don't have to wait until someone dies to talk about these feelings, and you don't have to carry them alone.

Each year, Dying Matters Awareness Week encourages us to have more open conversations about death and dying. I think this is something we need to do more of, not just for one week in May, but throughout the year.

Because although death is something every one of us will encounter, talking about it can feel incredibly uncomfortable.

We might change the subject, make a joke, tell ourselves there's plenty of time or simply hope it won't happen for a very long time.

But sometimes life reminds us that we don't always get the time we expect.

As a qualified therapist specialising in grief and loss, I support adults experiencing bereavement and other significant life changes. I believe that having somewhere to talk openly about loss, death and the feelings surrounding them can be an important part of finding a way forward.

Why do we find it so difficult to talk about death?

For many of us, death feels like something that belongs in the distant future. It's something that happens to other people, to older relatives or to someone else's family.

We don't necessarily think about it in relation to ourselves or the people closest to us.

Psychologists sometimes use the term mortality salience to describe our awareness of our own mortality. Becoming aware that life is finite can bring uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, and people may respond by avoiding the subject altogether. [ADD SOURCE: Research or professional explanation of mortality salience.]

There are lots of reasons why we might avoid conversations about death:

• We don't want to upset the people we love.
• We're frightened of what might happen.
• We don't know what to say.
• We worry that talking about death might somehow make it more real.
• We've grown up in families where death and grief simply weren't discussed.
• We don't want to think about losing someone important to us.

Sometimes silence feels easier.

But when we don't talk about these things, we can end up carrying our worries on our own. We may also miss opportunities to tell people what they mean to us, understand their wishes or have conversations that could matter enormously in the future.

Talking about death isn't morbid. It can be an act of love, care and connection.

"We thought we had more time": When loss changes everything

During the pandemic, I lost a dear friend.

It was sudden and unexpected, and it was the first time I'd experienced the death of someone close to me outside of older relatives.

I genuinely thought we had more time.

Because of COVID restrictions, the funeral was delayed. There was no wake, no opportunity to gather together, hug one another, share stories or sit with people who were feeling the same loss.

I went home afterwards and felt hollow.

What struck me most was how little space there seemed to be for my grief.

When a friend dies, it can sometimes feel as though you're grieving in the shadows. You're not necessarily the partner, child or sibling, and the world may not recognise the depth of what you've lost.

There may be no compassionate leave from work. People might not realise how much the friendship meant to you. Life carries on, even when yours feels as though it has stopped.

But friends can be our chosen family. They can be the people who know us deeply, share our history and understand parts of us that others don't.

Losing that connection can hurt enormously.

In my experience of working with bereavement charities, I've also noticed how easily the grief associated with losing a friend can go unrecognised. It makes me wonder how many people simply carry on because they don't feel they're entitled to grieve as deeply as they do.

Perhaps they don't realise they're allowed to.

I want to say this clearly: you are allowed to grieve the loss of a friend. Your relationship doesn't have to fit a particular category to deserve acknowledgement.

And perhaps that's one of the reasons we need to talk more openly about grief. We don't always know what someone else is carrying.

What is death anxiety, and why might I experience it?

Death anxiety describes feelings of fear, worry or distress connected to death and dying. It might involve thinking about your own death, worrying about losing someone you love or feeling frightened by the uncertainty of what happens when life ends.

For some people, these thoughts come and go. For others, they can become difficult to switch off.

You might find yourself:

• Worrying repeatedly about the health and safety of loved ones.
• Feeling anxious when someone doesn't answer their phone.
• Struggling with thoughts about your own mortality.
• Finding it difficult to sleep because your mind keeps returning to death.
• Avoiding hospitals, funerals or conversations about dying.
• Feeling panicky when you think about the future.
• Becoming particularly anxious around birthdays, anniversaries or significant dates.

Sometimes death anxiety becomes more noticeable after a bereavement. Experiencing the death of someone close can make mortality feel much more real.

You might suddenly become aware that the people you love won't be here forever. You might start worrying about losing someone else, or find yourself questioning things you previously took for granted.

There isn't necessarily one reason why these feelings develop, and experiencing them doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.

It can simply mean that something has brought difficult thoughts and emotions closer to the surface.

How can talking about death help?

It might sound strange, but sometimes talking about the thing we're most frightened of can make it feel less overwhelming.

That doesn't mean we need to spend every conversation discussing death or force ourselves to confront things before we're ready.

It means allowing some space for thoughts and feelings that might otherwise remain unspoken.

For example, you might want to talk about:

• What you're frightened of losing.
• What death means to you personally.
• Things you wish you'd said to someone.
• Your hopes and worries about the future.
• What matters most to you and the people you love.
• How you want to remember someone who has died.

Conversations about end-of-life wishes can also help families understand what matters to one another. This might include practical arrangements, music, funeral preferences or simply the things you'd like people to know.

These conversations don't need to be gloomy. They can be surprisingly meaningful.

How can grief counselling help with death anxiety and loss?

Grief counselling gives you somewhere to explore the emotional impact of loss, including feelings that might be difficult to express to friends or family.

It isn't about being told to move on, think positively or accept something before you're ready.

It's about understanding what you're experiencing and having the time and space to make sense of it.

In my work with clients, I recognise that grief and anxiety can be closely connected. You might come to counselling because someone has died, but find that you're also struggling with fears about losing other people or uncertainty about your own future.

We might explore:

The feelings underneath the anxiety

Sometimes fear is connected to sadness, guilt, regret or a sense of helplessness. Understanding what's underneath those feelings can help you make sense of your experience.

The things left unsaid

You might be carrying conversations you wish you'd had, things you wish you'd done differently or questions that don't have easy answers. Having somewhere to talk about these feelings can be helpful.

The impact of loss on everyday life

Grief can affect relationships, confidence, sleep, concentration and how you see the future. We can explore what has changed and what you're finding difficult.

Finding a way to live with uncertainty

We can't control everything that happens in life. But we can explore how to respond to difficult thoughts and feelings without allowing fear to take over every moment.

There is no promise that counselling will take away the pain or remove every worry. But having a supportive space to explore what's happening can help you feel less alone with it.

What happens in a grief counselling session?

Starting counselling can feel daunting, especially if you're not used to talking openly about personal feelings.

You don't need to know exactly what to say, and you certainly don't need to arrive with everything neatly organised in your head.

My approach is warm, compassionate and flexible. I offer 50-minute sessions, either online or in person, depending on what works best for you.

We can start wherever you feel comfortable.

You might want to talk about the person you've lost, the circumstances surrounding their death or the anxiety you've been experiencing. You might find that something else comes up entirely.

There is no expectation that you have to talk about death in every session, or that you need to make sense of everything straight away.

Sometimes you need to talk. Sometimes you need to sit with a feeling for a while. Both are okay.

Is this a good fit for you?

Grief counselling may be helpful if:

• You've lost someone important to you and are finding it difficult to talk about your grief.
• You're experiencing anxiety about death, dying or losing someone you love.
• You feel that your grief isn't recognised by the people around you.
• You're carrying guilt, regret or things left unsaid.
• You want somewhere to explore difficult feelings without being judged.
• You're experiencing a significant life change and struggling with the loss associated with it.

It may not be the only support you need if you're experiencing severe anxiety, significant mental health difficulties or a crisis. In those circumstances, speaking with your GP or accessing appropriate specialist support is important.

You don't have to reach breaking point before asking for help.

Frequently asked questions about grief and death anxiety

Is it normal to be frightened of death?

Yes. Thinking about death can bring up fear, uncertainty and difficult questions. These feelings may become more noticeable after a bereavement or significant life change. If thoughts about death are becoming overwhelming or affecting everyday life, talking to a therapist may help you explore what's happening.

Can counselling help with fear of losing someone?

Counselling can provide space to explore worries about losing someone, including the feelings and experiences behind those fears. It cannot guarantee that anxiety will disappear, but it may help you understand your thoughts, find ways to respond to them and feel less alone with the uncertainty.

Can I grieve someone who was a friend rather than family?

Absolutely. The importance of a relationship isn't measured by whether someone was a relative. Friends can be an enormous part of our lives, and losing them can bring deep sadness. You deserve support and recognition, regardless of how your relationship might be viewed by others.

When should I consider grief counselling?

There isn't a particular point at which you should seek counselling. You might want support immediately after a loss, months or years later, or when anxiety and grief begin affecting your everyday life. You don't need to wait until things become unbearable to ask for help.

Can I have grief counselling online?

Yes. Online counselling offers a flexible way to access support without travelling to appointments. I offer online sessions as well as in-person appointments, with each session lasting 50 minutes. We can consider which arrangement feels most comfortable and practical for you.

You don't have to carry grief or fear alone

Perhaps the biggest thing I'd like people to take away from this is that we need to make more room for conversations about death, dying and grief.

We don't need to wait for a bereavement to talk about what matters to us. We don't need to pretend we're fine when we're frightened. And we certainly don't need to feel that our grief is less important because the person we lost wasn't a family member.

Life doesn't always give us the time we think we have.

If you've experienced a loss, are frightened of losing someone or find yourself struggling with thoughts about death, you deserve somewhere to talk about it.

Grief counselling can offer that space.

I'm Laura Baines, a qualified therapist specialising in grief and loss. I offer flexible 50-minute counselling sessions online and in person, supporting adults through bereavement and the many other forms loss can take.

If you're in or around Burton-on-Trent, or would prefer to work online elsewhere in England, you're welcome to get in touch.

If you're curious about counselling but aren't sure whether it's right for you, I offer a free 15-minute consultation. It's simply an opportunity for us to talk about what you're experiencing and whether working together might feel helpful.

There's no pressure and no expectation that you have to have all the answers.

Let's make space for the conversations that matter.

Because dying matters. Grief matters. And you matter, too.